Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Randomize
