Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
