he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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