found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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