I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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