Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
