I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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