I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
