You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I love black thongs
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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