Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
