Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
