I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
