Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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