i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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