I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
