I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
