I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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