Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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