I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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