I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
