I could have mohawked her pubes.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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