she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
