peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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