I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You're a waste of cheezeits
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
