then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
