I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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