I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
