We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
