I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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