Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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