Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
This is my gift to your gina
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
