She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
