Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We had to coat check the pizza.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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