found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
