The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
