Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
