youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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