how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
