drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
wow bdsm is so cute
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