Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
