Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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