Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
