Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
