I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
