IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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