Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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