I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
