he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
