his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
