conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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