Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
