I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
